Chad Kellogg

Obviously we’re big believers in shouting about sex from the rooftops (if that’s what you’re into and feel comfortable with, of course). And while I personally see writing and talking about sex as super important because it normalises the conversation surrounding female pleasure, there are many reasons why other women feel the need to speak openly and freely about it. Plus, we’re lucky to able to when many women across the world don’t have that privilege.

As a way to get women to bang on about banging in a loud and honest way, Scarlet Ladies has launched their ITalkSex campaign which is all about sharing womens’ personal stories that explain why they… well… talk about sex, of course.

“We believe that no woman should ever be ashamed of her sexual experiences, needs or feelings,” says Scarlet Ladies founder Sarah. “We know that sexual oppression, rape and abuse thrive when women are ashamed to speak. We talk openly about sex because every woman, everywhere, has a right to feel good about her own body and her sexuality.”

From survivors of abuse to those who champion body and sex positivity, these 6 women explain why the conversation about sex is SO important.

1. “I talk sex because I was raped – and too ashamed to report it.”

Sexual predators take advantage of women’s silence. When I was raped, it took me a while to even realise what had happened to me. Because it did not happen in the way that we see on TV: I was not dragged into a dark alley and beaten within an inch of my life. I was on a first date. He took me to dinner. We kissed. He raped me. I blamed myself and was too ashamed to report him until two years after it happened. He never saw a court room.

Not talking about sex has allowed the lines between sex and rape to become blurry. We are unsure of ourselves and, in a time when it is still more shameful to be a rape victim than it is to be a rapist, we blame ourselves and allow ourselves to be silenced by our sense of shame.

Having been raped changed my life. It changed how I look at sex and how I look at men. I still feel the desire, but I no longer feel capable of allowing myself to let go, to trust anyone enough to be naked, to make myself so vulnerable. I am scared to not be able to control a situation. Scared it will happen again and not sure how to overcome that fear and get back to enjoying a healthy sex life.

Talking about sex allows me to air my worries and work through my feelings. By talking about sex, we can overcome shame, eradicate stigma and help each other overcome challenges to live a fulfilling life, in and out of the bedroom. – Sarah

2. “I talk sex because it may ultimately change another woman’s life for the better.”

Silence breeds shame and ignorance, and allows oppressive behaviour towards women to go unchallenged. By speaking openly and sharing feelings and experiences, we can teach and learn from each other. Ultimately, we can cast off the preconceived ideas, myths and misinformation that have been used for too long to hold women back.

I believe that knowledge is power. Whilst we encourage women to be empowered in every aspect of life, when it comes to sex and sexuality we are told we should be open but only in the bedroom, behind closed doors. We teach young girls as they grow into women that, no matter what else they achieve, their value can be measured in terms of how many people they allow between their legs.

By allowing that kind of thinking to continue, we teach women to be silent around their sex lives. Which ultimately teaches young girls and women to be silent about their abuse. Young women are told their pleasure is only approved for a man’s satisfaction, and we are encouraged to judge and shame each other for what we do with our bodies. By uniting, sharing, and finally speaking openly, we empower ourselves and each other. We will realise that, if we are to be happy within our lives and relationships, our pleasure should always come first. Your experiences are lessons that can and will help another woman. – Jannette

3. “Sex is a very human thing – yet only one gender is allowed to speak openly about it.”

Sex is constantly around us: as a very human thing, necessary to our survival as a species; and also as a very commercial thing, used every day by the advertising world to sell products not even slightly relating to sex. Yet, only one gender is allowed to speak about it openly without fear of scorn and repudiation. This is the paradox of being female: we’re sexy women, yet we’re also motherly life givers. This conflict ensures many women don’t know how to tread when discussing their sexuality.

Opening a conversation around women’s sexuality is especially essential for women in countries who have to curtail and emotionally imprison themselves due to their oppressive governments. – Rudo

4. “I talk sex to put an end to narrow-minded ignorance and abuse.”

I’m originally from Brazil – when people hear this, they instantly assume I have a lot of sex and love any physical contact. I have also been a victim of sexual abuse: at the age of 10 I was sexually abused by an uncle. When people hear this, they assume I hate sex.
Because I’ve spent most of my life trying to please people, I’ve tried to fit in with both of the above stereotypes. This, contributed to a mental breakdown a few years ago.

Now, I’ve walked away from abusive relationships – including one particularly harmful one where I became a personal porn star for a good 10 years. I’m in therapy and I’m finally getting to find out who I am. I am someone who enjoys sex, but now I can only be intimate with someone I love, respect, and feel extremely comfortable with. (Which apparently goes against my Brazilian roots; as I’m not having sex all the time …)

However, I am still very sex-positive; one of my favourite things is talking about sex and being open and honest about sex in my life. And how it is an important and big part of my identity. I also love learning about others’ experiences, and their views on sex in our society. – Endrielly

5. “I talk sex because I survived: I was raped because no one ‘talked sex’ to me.”

Everything I know about sex has been self-sought and self-taught, through experiences and discussions that were always too taboo for my environment or my peers. Last year, as a first-year at the prestigious country club of a university in upstate NY, USA, I was raped in the blurred-lines manner so typical of American college-town culture.

I remember telling my sister, in this shaking unsure way, that I thought I had been raped. And I remember my sister getting so mad at me, getting angry at the secondhand reputation she might attract because of friends of friends who know me and routinely relay to her how much of a “hoe” I am.

I am still very much confused about what I want and even more confused about what has happened to me and how it has affected me. But this confusion dissipates with the people I meet and the discussions I have. And that is why I (need to) talk sex. – Kit

6. “I talk sex because I love my body.”

Talking sex is important to me because black women are usually left out of the sexual empowerment conversation: we are often over-sexualised.

I would like to be a face for the woman who finds sex interesting, empowering and powerful.

I want to represent the woman who has a bit of extra fat and celebrates her curves. I believe you have to be the change you want to see. I want to be that. – Rachael…

We’re always hearing that we could be having better sex, a better orgasm, or a better relationship. But how often do we hear the nitty-gritty of how we can actually better understand our deepest desires and most embarrassing questions? We have enlisted Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist based in San Francisco, to help us out with the details. No gender, sexual orientation, or question is off limits, and all questions remain anonymous. Now, onto this week’s topic: how to discover your sexual fantasies

Q: My boyfriend is always bugging me to tell him what my sexual fantasies are. He says he’s down to try anything in bed, and just wants to know what turns me on. I like the sex that we have just fine, and I can’t think of things I’d rather be doing in the moment. I don’t think I’m into any of the kinky stuff either. No one has ever asked me about my fantasies before, and now I’m feeling stupid for not having any. I don’t want to lie, but I also can’t think of what to tell him!

A: Thanks for your question! I think that the rise of interest in kink (thanks 50 Shades Of Grey ) has made a lot of people feel like fantasies need to be really wild and out there. But not all fantasies are kink-related, and not all fantasies are intense.

Let’s back up a step and first get clear on what a sexual fantasy is. Simply put, fantasies are the things that you find arousing when you think about them. The main categories of sexual fantasies are:

• Role-playing. This is where you pretend to be certain characters. For example, you might take on the role of a student and your boyfriend might be your teacher.
• Specific sexual behaviors. This category includes things like threesomes, oral sex, playing with sex toys, being spanked and so on. Most of the kinky stuff would fall into this category, but there are plenty of behaviors that are wonderfully vanilla (i.e. tame).
• Power dynamics. You might be into the idea of letting one person be completely in control, and the other person completely submissive.
• Partners. Did you grow up up fantasizing about Justin Timberlake? That would be a partner-specific fantasy.
• Stories. You may have always dreamed of having sex in the middle of an abandoned beach, or losing your virginity to a mysterious stranger.
• Feelings. This is a category that not a lot of people think about, but many of us actually experience. You might fantasize about feeling swept off your feet during an intimate encounter. Or you might dream about feeling confident and uninhibited.

Now, let’s get into the four main ways you can begin to identify what your fantasies are.

1. Remember that fantasies are just fantasies.

The most important thing to know about your fantasies is that they’re rooted in your mind, not in reality. Plenty of people have fantasies that they would never want to act out in real life.

Think about non-sexual fantasies for a moment. You may have dreamed about strangling your horrible boss at work. Maybe you even imagined the scene in vivid detail. But you would never, ever actually kill your boss, right? Having the fantasy doesn’t mean you want to or would do that act in real life.

Sexual fantasies operate in the same way. A rape fantasy is the perfect example. A huge percentage of women are aroused by the idea of being forced into having sex, but virtually none of those women actually want to be raped in real life.

If you think you might be scared of your own fantasies, see if you can allow yourself to recognize the difference between fantasy and reality. If you tell yourself, “it’s OK to have a fantasy and never act on it,” does that help you start identifying your fantasies? Or you can try asking yourself, “what’s something that I would never do in real life, but feels kind of hot to think about?”

2. Try not to worry about being judged.

In a similar vein, you may have a hard time acknowledging your fantasies to yourself or to others because you’re afraid of what your fantasies might say about you. You might worry that your voyeuristic fantasies make you seem “perverted,” or that your anal play fantasies come off as “gross.”

Lots of women who identify as feminists believe that they shouldn’t have fantasies about acts that are degrading to women. We’re talking things like being called a “slut,” dressing up in a cheerleader outfit, or having a male partner orgasm on your face or breasts. You may find these acts to be really sexy in theory, but you might worry that makes you “messed up,” or “unfeminist.”

The key here is to recognize that fantasies are the adult version of play. Fantasies allow us to explore other aspects of our personalities and try on completely different roles, without commitment. They don’t need to “mean” anything or say anything about you. You can be a proud, card-carrying feminist, and enjoy getting naughty facials.

3. Try to find your fantasies.

Sometimes fantasies just appear out of nowhere. But sometimes, they need to be coaxed out. If you’re interested in trying to uncover your fantasies, here are some sources of inspiration:

• Think back to the first memories you have about sex. What did you think sex was? What felt appealing about it? Was there anything that confused you, or scared you a little about it? Maybe you had a fantasy about an older kid in your school “showing you the ropes.”
• Your actual experiences with sex might also contain clues about what turns you on. What are your top five sexual experiences? Is there anything that most of them have in common? Or is there anything that really stands out? Perhaps you had an insanely hot one-night stand with a guy who let you be in complete control.
• What do you think about when you masturbate? Maybe you always think about what it would be like to be caught.
• Think back to really good sex scenes you read in books, or saw in movies or TV shows. What did you like about those scenarios? Maybe you saw a really hot strip club scene in a movie.
• Consider some of the most popular fantasies. Six of the most common sexual fantasies my clients have talked about include being raped or forced into sex, role-playing teacher and student, having sex with a stranger, having a threesome, watching someone else having sex, and being watched. Try ranking those in order of least to most appealing.
• Try writing your own erotica, or even just daydreaming about sex. If you give yourself lots of space to be creative, what themes emerge for you?

4. Take the pressure off yourself.

Hopefully I’ve helped convince you that “fantasy” can be a broader category than you may have originally been thinking. That being said, not everyone has fantasies! Plenty of people are happily satisfied having sex without a fantasy element. Or you may have fantasies that are simple and straightforward, and not very intense (for example, you might occasionally daydream about having sex in Reverse Cowgirl, but not feel that passionately about it). There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you if you don’t find yourself fantasizing about sex on a regular basis.

The world of fantasy is rich with possibility. Keep an open mind, and give yourself the freedom to open up to your desires. Have fun!…

Role play is one of the best ways of flirting with your wildest sexual fantasies. So it’s no surprise that a lot more of us these days are enjoy exploring a range of possible sexual scenarios through acting and imagination – aka roleplay. Remember, whenever you’re trying a new sex thing, you must have a good old chat with your partner beforehand. You must discuss expectations, and boundaries, and safe words. And there has to be trust and honesty in your relationship – because this will make sure you have a safe (and fun!) experience. Sometimes though, the pressure to be inventive AND sexy can become too much in the heat of the moment, and you can find yourself drawing a total mind-blank about which roles you might actually want to play.

So, here are some role play ideas for you to have at your fingertips, ready to act out at a moment’s notice…

 

GETTING IT ON WITH YOUR MANAGER OR WORK SUPERIOR

Role play often relies on breaking taboos and creating power dynamics. Therefore, unsurprisingly, work based role plays are a bedroom staple. But, if you want to truly channel the office vibes, maybe leave the bed altogether and try having sex on a table or desk. While this can result in a slightly bruised bum or desperate fumbling as you try to move your laptop out of harm’s way, overall, it’ll be worth it. Just make sure you’ve moved any sharp pencils from the area…

 

 

THE CLASSIC MAID OR BUTLER

This role play can have as much historical flair as you like. If you’re a keen historian and/or have watched Downtown Abbey (aren’t they roughly the same thing?), you might want to play at being a member of home help staff, obeying a master or mistress.

 

AN EROTIC MASSAGER

Given that massages essentially make someone as horny as possible without ever getting them off, a massage that takes you ‘all the way’ is a real treat.

But, if you’re playing the masseuse, make sure you pay attention to all the different parts of your partner’s body before you start to getting it on. That way the pay off will be even more satisfying.

 

SOMEONE YOU DON’T KNOW

Get your partner to approach you as though you’ve never met and are complete strangers, to treat your body like they’ve never seen it before, and to take you with all the frenzied lust that drives two people who don’t know each other’s names to jump into bed together. It’s the best of both worlds: all the fun of stranger sex without any of the anxiety that the person you’re sleeping with might be an absolute f*ckboy/girl/person who will ghost you tomorrow.

This role play’s an easy one to accessorise with wigs, too.

 

AN AUTHORITY FIGURE (GP OR MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL)

The doctor/patient scenario is hot because it involves an authority figure. But this becomes still hotter when the authority figure has a reason to touch you – AND if you have a sexy doctor’s or nurse’s outfit.

Try giving your partner a ‘physical’ and explain to them that a normal side effect of such procedures is that they might start to really, really want to have sex with you.

 

OUTDOORSY SEX SCENES

By this I mean rural romps… I’m talking farm hand or milk maid based role play. Practice perfecting your southern American twang and pretend you’re rolling around in a haystack. Try your best to recreate the naughtiness of doing it alfresco as well as the romance of the wilderness – even if in reality, you’re only shagging with the window open and rolling about laughing at those dodgy accents.

 

 

YOUR FIRST TIME

Because, for most people, actually losing their virginity was either painful, embarrassing or unfulfilling, it’s fun to be able to recreate the event. Maybe put on a soundtrack that reminds you of your teens and try and remember that time of sexual frustration. Bring that extreme desire back to the surface and allow it to erupt all over again – but this time, hopefully, with a little more control and skill.

 

YOGI MASTER/INSTRUCTOR

It doesn’t matter how flexible you are – anyone can make a yoga role play work. You can go pro, contorting your body into impressive yet erotic positions, or you can embrace being a total novice and simply waggle your bum in the air claiming it’s ‘downward dog’. Whatever your aptitude, pretending to be a yoga instructor can be a particularly fun, experimental role play, encouraging you to adopt ambitions positions and to serenely instruct your partner where to place their limbs.

 

MONARCHY, DARLING

Whatever your personal, political stance on the monarchy, regal role plays can be very hot. You may not fancy Prince William, but that doesn’t mean you don’t fancy playing-at being a princess. I mean, I reckon the only reason we haven’t abolished the monarchy is that we find the whole thing, well, sexy. But don’t let the royals have all the fun – bring the eroticism of dynasty to your one bedroom flat and command that your lover reveal their *ahem* sceptre.…

1. She Took COMPLETE control

She got on top, pinned my arms down, and then proceeded to use me to get herself off. I could understand that sounding selfish, but being used as an object for her sexual pleasure was absolutely awesome.

—deleted

2. Lazy Hotel Sex. Best sex of my life.

My Fiance and I had just driven 16 hours straight to get to Pensacola, FL. We had traveled there to get a FL marriage license because we were getting married in Key West later in the month. We were both exhausted and a little delirious when we finally checked into the hotel and got to our room. I asked her if she wanted to have “sleepy lazy hotel sex.” We made love for over an hour just in the missionary position, barely moving… just kissing and basically just writhing in each other’s arms. We both had the most mind blowing orgasms simultaneously, we just laid there spooning while I was still inside her until we fell asleep.

We awoke maybe 12 hours later and went for round two… been chasing that high ever since. We’ve been married about a year now.

—deleted

3. A Lifechanging Fling

Wall of text coming. I need to get this off my chest.

They most primal sex organ is the brain itself. If your brain is running smoothly, nothing but the most awesome sex will happen. And the brain gets on full revs when there is chemistry when you click, you just match with the right person.

Without that connection, good sex can be good, but nothing beats having your brain intoxicated with love hormones. NOTHING.

I was (am) coming out of a sexless marriage, where sex was, well, bad. She was tired of being played by men, completely focused on her research work and just shy about men overall.

We met at a conference abroad. She liked me but was too shy to approach. We got introduced. We clicked instantly. We started jumping lectures to talk about ourselves and our work. Still, I was not expecting anything else at this point. The first night I just awkwardly escorted her to her hotel and walked to mine.

The next day, I saw her again, looking for me among the crowd. We spent the day together, sacrificing some of her lectures so she could go to my lectures and vice versa (in conferences, it is common that several lectures run at the same time, forcing the attendees to pick between them). Again, we were just spending time together…not really looking for anything else.

Then comes the night, we recruit other people, we go for dinner, she quickly picks a seat next to me, still shy about being open with her feelings. An old lady comes begging for some money, she is super sweet to I gave her money and start a funny conversation with me. I could see in my girl’s eyes her heart was melting and that gave me a huge rush.

We ate, went for drinks, then to a salsa bar. Danced with some other girls, just teaching them a few steps here and there. Then she asked me to dance with her. And this is when the magic starts to happen: she wasn’t very trained dancing salsa and bachata (a super sexy latin rhythm) however, she held on to me and within a minute we were flying over the dancefloor. We could not even believe this was happening. We danced for hours. Everyone else got bored and left. I kicked the DJ out of the booth (he was a pretty chill guy) so we could play our favorites over and over.

Then we sat down to rest. Then we talked. Then I kissed her. That first kiss made my mind explode. The first thing that rushed into my mind was that I haven’t been kissed like this in no less than a decade. It was her lips, it was her enthusiasm, she kissed me like she wanted to kiss me forever, we could not even stop to breath… we kissed and kissed until the bar closed. I could just not get enough.

The walk back was horrible: we could do more than ten steps without collapsing on some wall kissing again. We decided to go to my place. We had sex until the morning. All over the place. No porn acrobatics, no acting. Just honest, sincere, wild sex.

I could not sleep for the few hours I had left before the conference. I had cheated for the first time. Yet I haven’t felt so loved and cared for in years. We cried tears of joy when she woke up.

The next two days were similar: dancing for hours, swimming naked in the sea at 4 in the morning, then rushing up to our bed.

Came back home and filed for divorce. I haven’t been happier in years. It was not about the sex: it was about affection and boundless love. That is what makes the best sex.

—Pastelitomaracucho

4. For All To See

Top floor of a massive apartment complex with big windows. Bent her over and railed her against the window with her naked.

Super hot, only lasted like 3 and half minutes but we both climaxed so that was a plus.

—NuthinToHoldBack

5. Spongebob, yes, spongebob

One night my girlfriend and I had rented some Spongebob Seasons. She decides to go to the bathroom and says she’ll be right back. She’s in there for 20 minutes.

Finally, she comes out and tells me to not turn around and to close my eyes. I feel her kiss me, rope go around my hands, and then I open my eyes and she’s in a schoolgirl outfit.

We fucked like crazy for about 3 hours.

Best part was: Since spongebob was still playing in the background, we would hear a funny part about to come up, stop and laugh, then continue on.

Best. Sex. Ever.

—deleted

6. Breakup Sex

The weekend my ex and I broke up. We’d been dating for ~a year. Things had been tense for a while. Not bad, just tense. I was working 4-midnight, and she was working like 15 hour days finishing her last year of Med School. We had a talk on Friday night and decided we were going to try to make it work. We reassured each other that we loved each other and then proceeded to literally spend the next two days having sex. Sometimes hardcore and brutal, sometimes so loving and gentle it was less sex than hugging with penetration. We went through every permutation of every position and act I can imagine (minus butthole pleasures). We went at it for 2 days, only stopping to order food and buy Gatorade.

Sunday morning we went to brunch and it was just kind of…off. We broke up while sharing eggs Benedict and after that day I never saw or heard from her again.

—DesCo83

7. A vacation to the Black Sea

Soon after getting married we went on a sort of the vacations to the Black Sea area. There we rented one of those triangular cottages that have roof for their walls. It was completely surrounded by pines and cypresses so despite being flimsy it was rather private. Thing didn’t have any AC and would heat up like an oven, there was just enough space inside for two pulled together twin beds. On the first day there, on the way to the cottage, we picked up a half gallon jug of local young wine, still local grapes and giant chunk of honeycomb, dripping with honey.

Once we got to the cottage our clothes just fell off and pretty much stayed off for the rest of the week there. Something in the air, wine, honey and fruit diet, all those cypresses and pines around – I don’t know what caused it. It was the best sex ever. We’d stop mid-fuck because we were just too hot, jump out on the little porch and pour water from those 2-liter soda bottles on each other – that was the only way to cool down – and get right back to it.

—deleted

8. The Figure Skater

I once had a FWB thing with a figure skater. She had the strongest pelvic floor (kegel) muscles I have ever experienced–like, phenomenally strong. She was on top of me and basically alternated “milking” me and doing slow, drawn-out up-and-down motions. I was at that “almost about to cum” stage for like 20 minutes–I would want her to just FINISH ALREADY and she wouldn’t move a muscle, and just when the feeling was about the pass–SQUEEZE.

—deleted

9. Thor

Had a girl over and started having sex. It was great, and after a half hour I’m close to finishing. Part of the reason we started is because it was raining outside and she was turned on by it, the sound. During my vinegar strokes, a big lightning strike comes through the window and glows on my face. And as a I let out the last thrust, the loudest thunder crack you’ve ever heard rattles the house as I’m climaxing. I’ll never forget the look on her face. It was awesome.

TL;DR She had sex with Thor.

—hammerboner

10. Lady On The Streets

I was dating this really shy, quiet, slightly nerdy girl. You wouldn’t describe her as sexy, but as adorable. A nice girl. A sweetheart. She was totally the exact opposite of my type, but she was so smart, and an all-around really good person.

Anyway, the 1st time we had sex, she asked me to lie on the bed and close my eyes. I assumed she was just a little self-conscious or something. When she told me to open them, she had her hair down and was wearing black lace lingerie and fishnets. Giving me a mischevious, Stoya like smile she starts massaging my entire body, teasing her tongue all over it and lightly blowing while I’m damn near going crazy. By the time she finally whispered “take me now” I had never before or after wanted a woman so fucking bad. Goddamnit I miss her.

—deleted

11. Closet floor sex

Her mom was asleep on the other side of the house…it was late…we were horny…I grabbed a condom and we rushed into her closet, since her bed was squeaky and her closet had carpet, we dropped our pants and I fucked her. She had to brace herself against the wall so as not to bump into it, and she had to restrain herself from making noise because it felt so good. Right before I came, she pulled her shirt down, and the sight of her enormous boobies bouncing up and down pushed me over the edge…holy fuck it was sexy.

—deleted

12. Dirty And Raunchy

I feel like a lot of people equate “best” with emotion and intimacy. If I’m being honest the best sex I’ve ever had was the exact opposite; it was dirty and raunchy and that’s what made it so good.

Went out for a night on the town with a girl I’d gone on a few dates with. We’d hooked up before but always in a pretty tame way because roommates were always around. This time I had my own personal suite to come home to. Both of us came back absolutely plastered. I literally tore off her cocktail dress and threw her on the bed, blindfolded her with my tie, wrapped my belt around her neck and fucked the ever-living shit out of her until the sun came up. I distinctly remember her telling me she was my “own personal fuck-toy” and that she wanted me to “tear her apart like the useless whore I am.” It was savage. It was barbaric. And it was fucking awesome.

—BTHOvapes

13. The Cocky Girl

Best sex I ever had was the one girl who had the confidence and gusto to …

Stamina is a hot topic when it comes to men and sex. If one were to believe everything written on the web, a man who can last a long time in bed is the gold standard of doing it. For some people, long sessions in the sack are exactly what they need to feel satisfied but not everyone defines stamina the same way and, what’s more, for many, it doesn’t hardly matter. Anyone who wants to actually improve their performance in bed should think more holistically because sex isn’t something that can be separated from the rest of life.

“Erections are often a barometer of a man’s overall health both physically and psychologically,” says Dr. David R. Paolone, associate professor in Department of Urology at the University of Wisconsin School of Medicine and Public Health. “I think that’s something that we recognize more and more.” For those still aching to address unsatisfactory endurance, Dr. Paolone and Eric Marlowe Garrison Opens a New Window. , clinical therapist and author of Mastering Multiple Position Sex, offer some advice.

Define “Stamina”

Sexual endurance is loosely defined as how long someone can last in bed but suboptimal stamina means different things depending on who is defining it. Generally, if a man isn’t lasting as long as he wants it means he’s experiencing early ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, or doesn’t feel physically able to have the kind of sex he wants. Figuring out which category applies is the first step to solving someone’s stamina issues.

Get a Physical

In all cases, if a man is concerned about his sexual endurance, he should get a physical to figure out the answer. Sexual shortcomings aren’t always as simple as being caused by fitness or age. Even a young athlete may experience difficulties while there are plenty of senior citizens doing just fine. Also, it’s a myth that endurance is all about fitness level. “Sexual intercourse is not as rigorous as men like to think that it is,” says Paolone. “From a cardiovascular standpoint, it’s really about the equivalent of going up two flights of stairs (the typical sexual encounter).” If a man truly does not feel physically well enough for sex, that can indicate a serious medical condition.

Change Masturbation Techniques

In some cases, a man’s masturbatory techniques may hinder his ability to enjoy partnered sex. The differences in tightness and lubrication may be just enough to keep him from experiencing the same levels of enjoyment as he does on his own. Being in a unique situation, like trying out a new position or sex in the shower, can also be too foreign. Garrison’s advice for this particular problem is to modify masturbatory techniques to fit the type of sex someone is going to have. “I always tell people, if you’re going to have sex on a chandelier, practice masturbating on the chandelier,” he says.

Consider Behavioral Therapy

A classic way to address early ejaculation is through behavioral therapy. This includes Masters and Johnson’s well-known squeeze technique, where a man brings himself nearly to the point of orgasm then squeezes right below the head of the penis to push the blood back down, avoiding ejaculation. For some men, merely pausing rather than squeezing is also effective. Once the sensation of near orgasmic inevitability passes, sexual activity can resume. Garrison often prescribes men use Fleshlights to practice this technique.

Partner Involvement

Regardless of the type of stamina problem, a man should make sure his partner (if there is one) is part of the solution. “A lot of times I wonder if these men have actually talked to their partner about their satisfaction,” says Paolone. Some men’s endurance concerns come from the worry that they aren’t living up to their partner’s expectations but the only way they are really going to know is if they ask their partner forthright. Many may be surprised that their endurance is not an issue at all.

Look at Depression and Stress

In instances of erectile dysfunction, mental state can be a big factor. If someone is depressed or overly stressed, it can suddenly and dramatically affect their sexual activities, regardless of all else being well. “You can have someone who’s physically fit but if they’re depressed, they have no stamina whatsoever,” says Garrison. Because this is a mental cause rather than a physical one, simply popping a Viagra won’t help. In the case of stress Opens a New Window. , depression, or any psychological reason for sexual difficulties, consulting a medical professional is an important first step.

Know That Dysfunction Happens

Even the fittest, most verile man is going to have an issue with his sexual functioning every now and then. “Men like to think that their penis should work perfectly every single time that they want it to,” says Paolone, “that’s just not reality for men over the age of eighteen.” Once it happens for the first time, especially to someone who isn’t expecting it, the anxiety and fear caused by this episode can create a vicious cycle of dysfunction and stress. Even knowing that no penis is perfect doesn’t always fix the issue for many men who’ve experienced problems, so Paolone sometimes prescribes Viagra (or a similar medication) to reestablish a man’s confidence.

Medical Intervention

For men whose stamina problems stem from erectile dysfunction or early ejaculation, there are many different medical options. These include the use of medications and more serious measures such as injection therapy and penile implants. For cases of early ejaculation, behavioral therapy can often solve the problem but Paolone finds that a lot of his patients would rather go for the quick fix through off-label SSRI use or numbing agents. Medical intervention has become a popular way to deal with endurance issues, particularly erectile dysfunction pills, but Garrison cautions that men shouldn’t expect great sex in a bottle. “It’s not that magical,” he says. “They [men taking ED medications] will have an erection but a lot of men don’t know what to do with it. The desire still may not be there.”

Men can also opt for chastity device tricks which will help them make women scream every time they have sex. It’s the common option nowadays.

Other Ways to Think About Sex

For many men, their dissatisfaction with their endurance can be addressed by a change of perspective. Just because a man ejaculates early or loses his erection, doesn’t mean he can’t still have sex. Humans’ whole bodies can be used in sexual ways and sexual activity comes in many forms. Just because one way isn’t working, doesn’t mean another can’t. “Don’t just stop,” says Garrison. “Keep going and you will find how exciting your body can be to somebody else.” This type of advice, he says, often leads people to better sex than they ever imagined having and, as an added bonus, often ends up improving dysfunction.…

Let’s talk about sex, baby.

We should all know the basics when it comes to sex: Ask for consent, use protection at all times, respect your partner’s needs, and have fun. But knowing the simple steps to getting down and dirty doesn’t lead you to the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It’s the lesser-known facts that can not only make you smarter in bed but can also improve your sex life.

For the next time you’re thinking of getting busy with your partner, here are a few interesting facts about sex to stimulate your brain and your downstairs.

16 interesting facts about sex

1) Your partner may be fantasizing about another during sex

According to a study conducted by a British sex toy brand LoveHoney, nearly half of all women fantasize about other men while in bed.

The survey showed 46 percent of women fantasize about another person during sex with their partner, compared to 42 percent of men. However, the study surveyed 1,300 straight women, so this confession doesn’t apply to everyone who identifies as a woman.

Who knows the real reason why straight women are thinking of someone else during sex, but maybe it’s because some of their partners aren’t fulfilling their needs in the bed.

2) Besides men, lesbians have the most orgasms

A study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine surveyed 6,151 single adults by observing the connection between sexual orientation and how many times someone has an orgasm. For men, the results aren’t surprising. Straight men climax 85.5 percent of the time, gay men 84.7 percent of the time, and bisexual men climaxed 77.6 percent.

However, women showed the largest gap. Lesbian women achieved an orgasm the most at 74.7 percent, straight women 61.6 percent of the time, and bisexual women 58 percent. It turns out that women who focus more on oral sex and clitoral stimulation rather than penetration (which is more common in a heterosexual relationship) the more they will reach a climax.

No matter who you are sleeping with, get creative in bed and prolong foreplay. Women are more complex than men when it comes to sex, but that’s what makes it exciting.

3) Your nipples can give you an orgasm

If you like nipple play, science has some good news for you. Nipple orgasms, or “nipplegasms,” are real and can be achievable for those who are sensitive to touch in that area. A brain imaging study (fMRI) in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, showed that a woman’s brain “lit up” with arousal exactly same as it did from stimulation down under. And according to Men’s Health, 29 percent out of 213 women have experienced one.

So science is pretty much saying that playing with a woman’s nipples (or yours) can give women the same tingly feelings as a clitoris does. Sign me up.

4) Most Americans have an STD

Researchers at the National Center for Health Statistics found that nearly 42 percent of healthy Americans between the ages of 18 and 59 have contracted a form of human papillomavirus (HPV). While that number is alarming, most of the strains in the body are harmless and can remain dormant for years or go away completely. There is currently no HPV test for men, though.

The news is not the greatest, but it’s more reason to use condoms or a form of protection when getting busy.

5) Apples can get you in the mood

The crisp and juicy fruit is rumored to keep the doctor away, but it can also apparently improve women’s sex life. One 2014 study in the journal of Archives of Gynecology and Obstetrics found that women who ate an apple a day had better overall sexual function and lubrication that women who didn’t.

Maybe lay off the oysters and opt for an apple instead. They smell better anyway.

6) Semen is diet-friendly

The average calorie intake when swallowing is around 15 to 20 calories per tablespoon. However, even though your partner may be, their semen isn’t a substantial snack.

7) “Mowing the lawn” could make you susceptible to diseases

People who like to shave their pubic hair frequently are at a higher risk for syphilis, herpes, and HPV according to doctors at University of California, San Francisco.

The study was published in the journal Sexually Transmitted Infections and found that people who have shaved at least once are twice as likely to get infected, and those who shave frequently are four times as likely. Shaving any hair from your body causes small tears in the skin, and if you’re doing the deed right afterward, the open wounds make it easier for bacteria to get in.

“Pubic hair is there for a reason,” Gunter said. “It’s a mechanical barrier, like your eyebrows. It traps bacteria and debris. And there could be health consequences to removing it.”

8) Heavier men have more endurance than thin ones

Researchers in Turkey did a yearlong study on the relationship between (BMI) and male sexual performance. It turns out that men who have a higher BMI last an average of 7.3 minutes in bed while smaller men can barely keep it going for 108 seconds.

The study says that larger men excess fat develop more female sex hormones, which prolongs reaching the finish line, and leaner men showed a greater chance of premature ejaculation. So while a lean guy may fit the status quo, it looks like larger men win the trophy in the end.

9) Men fake orgasms too

Women seem to always receive criticism for faking orgasms (like it’s totally unfathomable), but as it turns out, men have been faking it too all along.

According to Time Out New York‘s 2014 study, more than 30 percent of men have faked an orgasm. The study is bound by the men walking the streets of New York, but we can only take a guess that it’s applicable to more than just one city of fish.

10) Sex can help fight the common cold

Feel a cold coming on? Have sex. Suffering from a headache? Have sex.

Sex has a lot of health benefits like reducing stress, improving your fitness, and lifting your mood. It also can boost your immune system to help fight off seasonal bugs. Congratulations, you now have a health-related reason to get it on more often!

11) Men in the U.S. have average size penises

Men’s penises in the U.S. are on average 5 inches long, landing in the middle of the spectrum compared to other countries. France takes the cake with some of the largest penises erecting at 6.2 inches and South Korea with the smallest at 3.6 inches.

Something to keep in mind is penis size doesn’t matter all that much, it’s all about how you use it that counts.

12) A man’s ejaculate contains millions of sperm

When a man ejaculates, each teaspoon of fluid contains around 300 to 500 million sperm. And in a bigger picture, in two weeks a man produces enough of the little guys to impregnate every fertile woman on Earth.

So if you’re trying to not get pregnant, contraceptives should be your best friend.

13) Using lube increases your chances of having an orgasm

Multiple studies have shown that using lube increases your chance of having an orgasm, especially for women. Some of the best lubes are natural and simply enhance your experience, while others provide totally new sensations. Don’t have name-brand lubrication on hand? Check your kitchen cabinets. Your go-to cooking and moisturizing fave, coconut oil, is also all-natural, anti-fungal, and great at providing long-term lubrication.

14) Women have longer-lasting orgasms than men

The average male orgasm lasts six seconds while the average female orgasm lasts 20 seconds, according to scary (and super interesting) fact book Scared Sh*tless: 1,003 Facts That Will Scare the Sh*t Out of You. Women who experience vaginal orgasm also have a greater chance than men at achieving multiple orgasms. The more (and the longer) the better!

15) Only 20 percent of women report that vaginal penetration alone is enough to orgasm

According to a June 2015 study, 40 percent of women reported that they need clitoral stimulation to orgasm. Long story short: Clitoral stimulation is essential for most women to come. Even if not essential, it definitely makes the whole experience much more pleasurable.

16) Sex can help reduce pain from headaches or migraines

If you suffer from regular migraines or chronic headaches, you’ll be happy to know that having an orgasm greatly decreases pain and can help your body recover more quickly. “It could be masturbation, it could be oral sex, it could be intercourse—as long as there’s an orgasm the body is going to release certain chemicals,” women’s health expert Jennifer Wider, MD, said.…